It is generally accepted that I’m a smart girl. In almost every area of my life, I’m smart. I make good choices, luck seems to follow me. One area that I’m inexplicably incompetant is love. Seriously, it has baffled friends and family for years. How can I be so daring and brave in the rest of my life and so reckless with my heart? How can I invest so seriously in unrequited love?
If you are good at reading between the lines, then you know what’s up. If you are a close friend, you know what’s up. If you aren’t good at reading between the lines, my apologies. I’m going to avoid some major details.
I have jumped headlong into unrequited love year after year since John dumped me when I was 16. Or was I only 15? We said we loved each other, but when I expounded on what that meant, he freaked out and dumped me. I was a wounded puppy for the rest of high school and went off to college, where to my surprise I chose unrequited time and time again. And time and time again in Colorado. Always blaming it on my work or sometime inexplicable. For whatever reason, I always chose the wrong guy.
Off and on since I moved to Chicago, I’ve chosen unrequited love over almost anything else. I don’t know what finally did it, but I’m done. I’ve cried a lot already tonight, breaking up with my own expectations. I told him, who knows if he’ll respond. Now I’m telling you. I’m really emotionally single now, but probably not dating. Just getting over breaking up with myself. Which might be harder than actually breaking up with someone. And only one day after National Break-Up Day.
I’m not going to go into the mountains of good advice I’ve ignored the last few years. I’m a better person for this most recent bout of unrequitedness. I bought my condo at his urging and now I’m a homeowner. I left the shop with his support and now I have a little career in PR. And I bought a book on Judaism and wound up converting. The book I bought because of him, the converting was for myself. So he served as a big cosmic carrot, but I’m done. The next time, it’ll be for real and it will be mutual.