I designated July 1, 2003, to June 30, 2004 as the Year of No Decisions. Why? I felt like I was trying to hard to shove my life into some plan and it simply wasn’t happening. Why couldn’t I make a career of study abroad administration? Why couldn’t I get my Master’s like a good person and stick it out? Why wasn’t I doing comedy anymore? Where was my screenplay? Who, where, why and why not?
I decided to take a year off.
That was a very powerful decision, because then life really took off. The deal was that I couldn’t figure out if I was a Writer, a Study Abroad Professional, or An Ice Cream Goddess… so I stopped trying to decide. I was transfered to London, took a stab at two screenplays while I was there, came back and quit everything for ice cream.
Ice Cream is where I was valued and where I saw a future. A place that I could pour my heart into, watch prosper, prosper with it and then have a magical life of love and writing that filled in the gaps. The truth was that I was unable to nurture my friendships, let alone date anyone. I wrote only my blog. And financially… financially it wasn’t a great decision.
So I quit again.
And wound up at Edelman PR a week later. Temp to perm as an administrative assistant (who had a blog.) It was a solid, 9 to 5 gig, that would allow me to do what was important–foster relationships and write. I thought I could handle a 9 to 5 that didn’t do much for my brain. That lasted a year and then I was given the chance to switch to the me2revolution.
It’s been a winding path. Every step made sense at the time, but people look at it and shrug. I’ve never been anywhere longer than two years. Two was the expiration date on my mini-careers. Burn out, heart break, financial stuggles… every decision was the right decision at the time and I’ve learned a ton.
I’m sitting next to a letter in which I say YES! to something that can’t possibly work. An impossible situation that has nothing to do with work, but everything to do with decisions. And my big decisions, except becoming a Jew, have all had to do with work. But I don’t have an address to send the letter to and I think I’m the only party that is even considering saying “yes, why not, let’s try this impossible thing and see what happens.”
I’ll shred it soon, I imagine.
So what now? Is it time for another year off? Stop trying to shove my life into the box I think it needs to fit into and just see what happens? Stop working so hard to make something of myself and see if I am something? Or do I keep pushing? Set crazy big goals, find the address, try the impossible?